The Parental Benefits of Raising Independent Sleepers
Over the past week, my social media posts have focused on the importance of independent sleep skills for our children. And what better way to follow that up than with a blog post about it?
For many parents out there, evenings are like a race to the finish line, especially now that school is recently back in session (or is about to be). There’s so much to juggle and fit in, and so little time to do it in. We are a 2-parent working household. My husband is a high school teacher, and he also coaches a sports team each season, so many times, I’m the only one home in the evening.
5:15: Sign off of work
5:30 Pick up the youngest from daycare
5:45-6:45 Cook dinner, feed 3 kids, clean up dinner (and eat myself)
6:45-7:30 Play time, have dessert, and make lunches
7:30-8:00 Bedtime routine
8:00-10:00 Adult time…work out, watch a TV show/movie, take a shower, read a book, work on growing my sleep consulting business
It’s a lot to cram into three hours. But you know what? After that bedtime routine, those kids go to sleep, in their own rooms, without my help (ages 2 to 7). They are very independent sleepers – it’s how they were raised (this mama needs downtime and a full night’s sleep to function). Now I know that’s not a choice that everyone makes, at least early on. But at some point during childhood, it’s time for that little one to learn to fall asleep on their own and stay asleep all night in their own bed. But if they have very strong sleep props (think nursing to sleep, rocking to sleep, having mom/dad lay with them until they fall asleep), they’re going to find it difficult sleep independently.
No matter your child’s sleep prop, they rely on that thing to help them fall asleep. The problem with that is that babies and children sleep in cycles, just like adults do. We don’t just fall asleep and stay asleep for 8 hours without waking up. When adults wake from one of these cycles, we don’t usually even remember it happening. We’re awake briefly, maybe turn over, cover ourselves up, and drift back into sleep. We do that easily because we’ve had a lot of years of practice. We know how to get back to sleep on our own.
If a child is accustomed to falling asleep at the breast, or being rocked to sleep, or having a parent in bed with them, then when they wake after a sleep cycle and that “prop” is not there, what do they do? Cry, scream, call out for you, etc. until they get what they need to help them get back to sleep.
I often hear parents say things like…
“My baby won’t go to sleep unless I nurse/rock her.”
“My baby will only sleep in bed with me.”
“My toddler won’t go to sleep unless I lay with him.”
“I have to sleep with my child if I want to get any sleep at all.”
The reason they say these things is simple – their child has likely never learned independent sleep skills. They don’t know how to fall asleep without being nursed or rocked or cuddled. So what’s the solution?
Teach your child some independent sleep skills. You’ll both be better off for it! Your child will get more uninterrupted sleep and so will you, and you’ll get your evenings back! The bedtime routine will take a half hour instead of 1-2 hours of constantly trying to get your child to go to sleep. And what will you do with all that time?
I won’t sugarcoat it…you can’t just flip a switch and your child instantly becomes an independent sleeper. It takes some coaching and commitment from the parents to stick to the plan. But what they get out of it is SO worth it. Let recent clients, Michelle and Anthony, tell you what it was like for them. Their son was difficult throughout the bedtime routine, throwing tantrums, and demanding his parents lay with him until he fell asleep. And during the night, dad almost always had to sleep with his son when he would wake up if either parent wanted to get any sleep.
So how do you do it? Well, that’s one of the joys of working one-on-one with me is that I tell you EXACTLY what to do and how to do it. But here are a couple of tips to get you started:
Choose an early bedtime (usually somewhere between 7 and 8), so your child has enough time to sleep 11-12 hours.
Create a predictable bedtime routine (when they know what to expect, it’s much easier for them to make the transition).
Lay them in bed AWAKE – I know, sounds crazy, right? But your child has to learn to fall asleep on their own.
Toddler/School-Age Child Tips:
If your child is a notorious staller, coming out of their bedroom a bunch of times (needs to go to the bathroom, needs a drink, needs another hug/kiss, etc., etc. etc.), give them a “hall pass” that allows them to come out JUST ONE TIME. Any time after that receives a consequence (taking their blanket/lovey for a couple minutes, shutting their door, etc.).
Get an “OK to Wake” clock that turns green when it’s ok for them to get out of their bed.
While these are NOT the only steps to take to help turn your child into an independent sleeper, they’re a good place to start. And when you’re ready to get your evenings (and middle-of-the-nights) back, reach out via email at nichole@nicholesmithsleep.com or set up a free sleep evaluation call here so we can chat about your sleep challenges and make a plan to fix them.
I want to help families out there get the sleep they need and deserve, and I want that for your family too! A good night’s sleep could be just a few weeks away – you don’t have to suffer any longer!
Take care and sleep well!